A funny thing happened on my way to the mall. Well, truthfully, it all unfolded when I actually got into the mall, but I was harboring my angst the entire 7.5-mile drive. I am not sure what I was most anxious about, parking, shopping, or the entire outing. But I persevered and ended up with a story.

First, I do not make a habit of going to the mall unless out of real necessity. So for me to meander to the mall on a hot summer day mid-week, there had to be a good reason.

A Good Reason to Go to the Mall

And that “good” reason?

Bathing suit shopping. The bane of every woman’s existence. It is a painful, unforgiving process in which no one leaves the dressing room feeling good. This phenomenon increases exponentially with age.

The bathing suit shopping ended up being a side note (thank goodness!) to every bizarre occurrence that took place during my brief trip to the third largest shopping mall in the country. But as I said, a funny thing (or things) happened once I arrived…

I planned my arrival for the mall opening, which I assumed was 10 am sharp, where I was rewarded by promptly gaining access to Nordstrom where I had to make a return. I like to check boxes and this one was a huge success:  First customer in line? Check. Return item? Check.

Fabulous, Fun Outing at the Mall

It is going to be a fabulous outing at the mall, I just know it!

Wrong. All the other stores are shuttered, yet people are scampering about the concourses like ants on a mission to scope out all the summer sales before the busy bees arrive. Aww, yes. Mall-walkers. Beating the summer heat.

I now have approximately 35 minutes to pass until another store opens at 11 am. Casually, I mosey up to a large touch-screen directory to plan out the remainder of my mission. I have a few more returns to make so I touch away, easily locating stores. In the process, I discover I can transfer the map to my phone, so I do not have to stand at the directory all morning.

High-End Retail at the Mall

Just like that I am off; one connecting concourse to the next, zig-zagging my way through this quagmire of stores.

Suddenly, I am in the concourse where high-end stores have established their niche. Still not open but that does not stop the lines from forming. And this is where I am completely dumbfounded.

What would cause people to line-up in queue of designer brand stores, mid-week before 11 am? There are no sales going on in these stores, ever. So what is the attraction, besides the extremely expensive brand name itself?

There are security guards and velvet ropes to keep the crowds at bay. As I garner the courage to get a littler closer, I learn there are two lines; one for those who have appointments or orders to pick-up (like take-out food!) and one for the walk-ins. Madness on a Monday at the Mall!

Evidently, I do not get to the mall nearly enough. When I eventually leave the mall and tell a friend about this portion of my experience, she is already aware as she witnesses it all the time. She, on the other hand, is a frequent Mall Rat of the prettiest kind.

The stores open and I make my returns so I am now ready to shop, shop, shop for the elusive bathing suit. I make my way to a popular athleisure-wear store from which I have often snagged a comfortable, sporty suit. The sales associate who greets me informs me they do not carry bathing suits in their store. She offers that I can try another store, in fact, the store in the town where I live! A mere mile from home. Ugh.

Do Not Get Discouraged at the Mall

Alas, I am not discouraged and decide to hit every major department store in the mall. I will surpass my daily dose of steps as counted on my phone in pursuit of the one article of clothing I despise wearing the most. A crazy incongruity yet here I am.

I am sadly disappointed. The pickings are slim in all the department stores, especially in the style I prefer. A grandmother yelling at her grandson to stop running around the circular racks encourages me. As we both pause over the same suit, she states that she is buying a bathing suit for her daughter.

I tell her it is adorable. She says I should buy it. I laugh. It is an itty-bitty suit that even 16-year-old me might not have worn but she tells me if I still “got it,” I should flaunt it. Evidently this grandma and I have different visions of what I look like in a bathing suit. Still, I walk away smiling.

Beware of Scammers at the Mall!

I am running out of patience. Absent-mindedly I pass the high-end stores again where the lines are still forming. A woman who wants to show me something, give me a sample, flags me down with such ease that I do not even realize what is happening. She instructs me to look up at the ceiling as she gingerly applies some instant magic potion to the creases around my eyes.

Suddenly I am in her store, in a chair with a mirror poised in front of me so I can see the results of this tingly feeling on my face. Of course, the push to sell her product comes. Although I am gullible enough to be coerced into the chair, I am not gullible enough to buy the product. She asks why I am in a hurry. How do I explain my mall-phobia and my bathing suit goal and the pressure I feel to leave her store?

Finding the Right Fit at the Mall

For at least the third time, I pass a store the size of a walk-in closet that sells bathing suits and only bathing suits. I have not entered this store yet. But I have also not tried on one single bathing suit the entire time I have been in the mall. I give it a whirl.

The sales associate wants to be helpful. However, she is still wearing a mask thus I have a difficult time understanding her. Subdued, I find myself eagerly waiting in the dressing room until I realize she is never coming back with the bathing suits she promised.

I quickly try on the few suits I brought into the dressing room and end up purchasing the first one I tried on. The first one! How did this happen? They are pleased I am making a purchase. I am pleased I am making a purchase. High-fives all around! This is what a mall adventure is all about! Woo hoo! Mission accomplished.

Funny how a few hours spent trolling this spacious place in search of one elusive item left me with an entertaining afternoon, a new bathing suit in hand, and a whole new appreciation for what occurs at the mall. I do not intend to be a regular Mall Rat but at least I know what I am in for next time I do show up. Perhaps another story awaits.

Read about another adventure Scout took three years ago with two glorious Golden Girls: Road Trip: A Journey with the Golden Girls – scribingwithscout

For summer sales on bathing suits, shop at Women’s Designer Swimsuits & Swimwear | Everything But Water, online and at various locations, including the mall! Perfectly manageable with a colorful selection!