The news flash arrived a few weeks ago.

My son would be returning to his college campus for his senior year.

After five and a half months of unexpected time at home, he will be gone. With the snap of a finger. Poof. Just like that.

And unless you have been living under a rock, you realize there is much speculation about the next step for…almost everything. Which includes the status of colleges and the return of their students under very altered circumstances.

And so, the transition begins…

It was an unexpected gift of time for which I am eternally grateful. I will never get it back, and my heart already aches with the silence that will once again surround me.

A few short years ago, I did the empty-nesting thing, cut the umbilical cord, turned his bedroom into a sewing room. (Well, that’s just so-70’s and so silly!) Now I am forced to do it all over again. What should have been part of his natural progression has stunted us all into wishing it wasn’t so.

I knew it was selfish and foolish. He needs to go back, no matter that he gets sick at least once a semester living in the petri dish of college squalor. This was his time, his turn, not mine.

So, when the news arrived that my son would be returning to school two weeks earlier than normal, the days started to disappear at a rapid pace. I panicked. Now, I can’t get enough of being in his space, and I am sure I will quickly become a nuisance, over-extending my time in this space.

I long for one more quiet walk on the beach, lost in a conversation meant only for the two of us. I yearn for one more family movie night, one more family meal with him at the table making us laugh with his quick wit and mischievous nature. .

It is apparent, I need this gentle soul to be in my literal world, not virtual world, a little longer.

For the past few weeks, he has been embedded in an on-line internship with a make-shift office in a spare bedroom, robbed of the opportunity to live in a new city experiencing the expected progress into adulthood. Making the best of a difficult situation, he rarely complains. My son’s days are busy and they belong to him. He is making the most of every moment in the every-changing world we find ourselves living in this summer.

The housing options at his school finally opened a few weeks ago, and there was some stress, as is his nature, over the who and the where. Once the kinks were ironed out, I noticed a small smile, a sigh of relief, that this too would be fine as his generation navigates a world in which none of us are familiar.

Not only is he maneuvering an internship from home, but he celebrated his 21^st birthday amid the first pandemic of his young life. Accepting the situation for what it is, his expectations on his special day were low. However, we created 24-hours of a social distancing celebration before we fully understood social distancing. By the end of the day he was literally blown away – and appreciative – of the fun we had with restrictions in place.

It is with this optimism that he will return to college, this ability to be resilient in the face of adversity we have never known before, this grit that will enable him to conquer his senior year.

Under our roof, he has grown despite the obstacles he has faced. I am confidant that growth will continue when he goes back to college next month. It is the way it should be.

I have gradually accepted this fate although it doesn’t mean it will be easier this time around. I like to have the prankster, the conversationalist, the one who ‘gets me’ within reachable proximity. And I will miss him all over again.

The lump in my throat is real, the ache in my heart is heavy. As weighted as these emotions are, it must happen. This is what we moms do, say good-bye to our offspring repeatedly. We try to get used to it.

But it doesn’t mean we have to like it.

So, farewell my senior. You will have an amazing year in exactly the place you were meant to be, for now. Stay healthy, be strong. You will always have that special place in my heart, reserved just for you.

A funny thing happened on the way to posting this article: the outcome changed. My son in fact will not be returning to college for his senior year after all. After one quick week, the college reversed their decision, and my son will begin the fall semester the way he ended in the spring, taking virtual classes from home. I decided to post this article anyway because we are all going through similar emotions and situations, navigating the return, or not, to college.

To read more about the connection between a mother and son, click here.

To read more on decisions some universities have made, click here