I should have an undergraduate degree in laundry. I’ve spent more time in my laundry room than all the classrooms throughout my entire educated life combined. I don’t pretend to be an expert by any means, and I critique myself harshly without making the necessary changes, but I’m efficient and effective, if nothing else. And at the end of the day – or the week – it will all eventually get done.

If I had to grade myself, I would be resolved to a B, maybe even a B- on a bad day. In my quest to ‘get it done,’ I often overlook the more obvious snafu of doing the laundry: Emptying the Pockets. Rarely do I take the time to go through the pockets of jeans, shorts, or khakis, even though I’ve duped myself again and again in my quest to have everything clean, like, right now! I’ve washed – and dried – it all. Crayons that melt into little boys’ khaki pants’ pockets. Chapstick that adheres to everything in the vicinity, including the dryer. Pens that fall apart during the process and leave their ink stains behind as proof that they were here. Golf score cards that disintegrate into a gazillion pieces which I’m still picking up weeks later. Ear buds that sometimes still work after retaining water but more often don’t. Money, ID cards, tissues, notes from class – yet I never seem to learn. Always in a hurry, never stop to check. Plus, as a woman, I don’t put items in my pockets, so I don’t remember to Empty the Pockets. That’s why women carry purses, to hold the pens, tissues, money, and Chapstick!

I’m sticking with a B- in the next category as well: Pre-treating Stains. While I am horrible at taking the time to pre-treat any item, I end up causing myself more time and trouble because then I go back to treat the stains after the fact. In this area, however, I have learned a few things simply by Googling:

How to get pen stains out of clothes. Answer: Nail polish remover. Turns out that yes, yes it does.

How to get grease marks out of clothes. Answer: Dawn dish detergent. With a little bit of elbow grease, this trick does the job. Turns out Dawn dish detergent also assists in removing oil from water fowl as it was discovered during the wayward years of disastrous oil spills. But I digress.

How to get chocolate out of clothes, especially white clothes. Answer: Soak in Oxy-clean, preferably overnight. If attended to right away, this typically will work. Keep in mind, chocolate is a magnate to white clothing, especially when worn by males. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.

A friend once said to me, “We are better than just doing the laundry!” While I wholeheartedly agree with this statement, we can’t escape the fact that it still needs to be done, and for better or worse, going along with stereotypes, the laundry detail typically falls to the woman in the house. And since it is my domain, my laundry room is painted a cheerful, pale blue called “Rain,” which I always fancied went well with the concept of water, washer, rinsing…you get it. I’ve adorned the walls with whimsical framed prints of laundry related items: ironing board, clothes pins, laundry basket, thinking if I create a pleasant atmosphere, I won’t mind spending so much darn time in this little room!

The insulting part about laundry is that there is no end in sight. Ever. With smug satisfaction, I can close the door to the laundry room at night knowing every article of clothing is fluffed, folded and ironed – yes, I still iron because I’m old-fashioned that way – and rest easy knowing the job is finished, at least for today. We get up and start all over again, creating, yes, more laundry. The daily cycle continues as viciously as the ‘heavy duty’ mode on the washer, tossing bulky items as if they’ve never seen the inside of a washer before. Thump, thump, thump it churns and pummels like the pounding of my fist when the realization of full hampers –sigh, again – sinks in.

There is no formal diploma hanging on the wall pronouncing my skills as a laundress, no pomp and circumstance as I attempt perfection with a spot remover, no gold star for perfectly pressed pants but instead a simple Atomic clock that refuses to align and keep time. Still, it maintains a place on the wall in the laundry room because in this space, time doesn’t matter. The laundry, sadly but truly, never ends.